I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
false alarm. still invincible.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
