I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
