She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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