toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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