She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
