Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
