my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
