It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
