Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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