Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
