Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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