its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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