Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
