sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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