You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
