I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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