I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
