Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize