Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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