my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
