the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize