nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
