Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
