The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Mom said you looked used
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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