Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
