Will you blow on my dice?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize