yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
