Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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