Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we made out on top of his cat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize