does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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