I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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