I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
