Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
