i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
