Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
