did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
