Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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