where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
