Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
