At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
