My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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