you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
