Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
