i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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