I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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