Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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