Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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