roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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