Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
