life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
now i know why i became what i already was.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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