I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
