they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
