Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
