I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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