Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
