He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it was like eating out sand paper
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
