The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
