In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
