We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
