Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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