piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
