can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
