Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
